did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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