When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
