just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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