We named our party play list daddy issues
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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