Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
They took my balls.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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