all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
They took my balls.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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