Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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