The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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