Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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