i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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