I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
