My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
