why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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