She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.