Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
