Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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