so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
