My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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