I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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