MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
