well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
