I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
