Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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