I accidentally burped into my bong.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
