maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
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decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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