Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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