I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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