guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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