I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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