I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
