Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
