the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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