Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
