no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
