Soap is not a condiment
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
