Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
