guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
