I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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