everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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