So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
