Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
