my phone needs a breathalizer
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
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I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
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I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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