I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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