he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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