Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
