I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
