Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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