i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
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Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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