I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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