Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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