dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
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I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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