why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You took a bar mat shot.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Terrible idea I love it
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
