all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
