i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
