I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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