Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
