I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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