So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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