He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
we're making bets on your personal life
it's like heaven, but drunker
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
