Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
