As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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